I have given this project a run, and now it has come to this:
I am taking a vacation from turning lemons into lemonade, from acting like I ever truly feel well when I don’t, from smiling when I'm not happy. I cease to be the marketing plug for organizations that were never there for me. I can no longer be an "inspiration" at the continuing cost to myself, especially as I am the person with the least energy and fewest resources to do so. My accomplishments disguise the fact that every day I wake up is against the odds. If leukemia does not return and kill me, my patched heart will. For certain. Because of this, I can no longer be encumbered by the apparent false virtue of acting like a consistently happy person, which means I can be the most authentic one.
My vacation is going to include being thoroughly and satisfyingly pissed off. I will continue to accomplish extraordinary things that I shouldn’t be able to, and then blissfully not share my joy and satisfaction with anyone. It’s OK, I am used to it. My vacation will include days so deep in my grand church of nature that I will largely be untraceable and invisible. It will include giving the middle finger to the entire digital “social” world, which means my vacation just started.
It is often said that the world owes us nothing. Nonsense. That is the attitude of a society that thinks Jesus and capitalism can solve it all, where without realizing it we commodify everything, even civility. But we do owe each other civility. I owe it to you and you to me. And because I am not feeling it, and I refuse to act coarsely, I will simply withdraw my good intentions like a player leaving a card game. Play on without me.
Maybe there are people who could benefit from witnessing me overcome seemingly impossible circumstances. I am sorry, but you should have contacted me. It has not been give-and-take. It has been all give. I am still there for you but now you will have to ask. That is what I did while knee deep in all the chapters of my hell, and I got no response then either. I had hoped to find my tribe, but I will settle for being a social movement of one.
I don’t know if my vacation will be for a week or forever, but it will last until I am honestly asked to return. Until then, I will be immersed in the beautiful -- in what I love truly and most people love falsely, like craggy mountains, warm oceans, and the sound of desert birds waking while I lay in bed with my morning coffee.